Back in college, I was a part of a fraternity, and every few months we had a ceremony to initiate the incoming pledge class. This is a sacred event that all members must attend. Our fraternity president decided to have our ceremony at the Oregon State frat house in Corvallis.
We arrived around noon on Saturday and immediately started playing a game of pickup basketball. They invited us in and gave us a house tour. At the end of the tour, they showed us their basement and we started playing a 20-person game of rage cage. Which was cool. But then they showed us this really weird song and dance where they take off their shirts and spill beer on each other. They asked if we wanted to participate and I declined. Some of my fraternity brothers did it. Which was disgusting as they had to put on their suits for the initiation ceremony without taking a shower.
After the ceremony, we took a group photo outside the fraternity house. It was right after this photo that things started to go downhill fast.
We tried to integrate ourselves with the OSU guys but they kinda sucked. Many of us turned to alcohol and weed to compensate for the lack of vibe. Later that night, the OSU guys tried to throw a party but nobody knew the lyrics to any of the songs they were playing. Music is the most important part of a party and they couldn’t even get that right. We drove all this way and they couldn’t pull any girls for us?
When they knew we were drunk, they showed us the worst possible thing. A storage room filled with stolen signs from the University of Oregon. Man did that piss us off. Suddenly we all had the ingenious idea of breaking up into groups and stealing a sign on their campus.
Matt and I sprinted to campus ready to wreak havoc. We came across a sign that was clearly cemented into the ground. I don’t know why our drunk asses tried pulling it out. We completely muddied our shoes in the process. A cop car drove by so I ditched Matt and ran into the library. I was tracking mud all over the place. Obviously, there was nothing good to steal in the library so I kept wandering around campus in the dark. I couldn’t go back to the house empty-handed. I eventually stumbled into a cafeteria and discovered a bowling alley downstairs. Believe it or not, it was cosmic bowling so I got to bowl a free game!
On my way to the bathroom, I saw something that I wish I hadn’t. There on the wall was a poster of John Belushi in his iconic college sweater. I almost threw up in my mouth. Anyone with a basic understanding of the Animal House movie knows that it was shot at the University of Oregon. It had absolutely no business hanging on the wall of an Oregon state bowling alley. So without hesitation, I tore it down, shoved it in my jacket, and walked out.
I raced back to the frat house. By then everyone was getting the late-night munchies so we traveled as a group to this place called University Calzone. This place was like a second-rate version of The Dough Co. (which is a fantastic calzone place in Eugene).
I remember sitting next to Sam and watching him feverishly swipe right on all the girls on Tinder trying to find free lodging. On the way back we threw glass bottles in the street and shouted Sco Ducks! The food absorbed some of the alcohol in our system and some of us began to sober up.
When we got back to the house, we all simultaneously realized that staying the night was not going to happen. Eugene was 50 minutes away which meant our beds were 50 minutes away. Because some of the drivers had left early, there weren’t enough cars to take everyone. Sheer panic erupted. It felt like I was on the Titanic looking for a lifeboat. Unfortunately, some of us did not make it. The guy who drove me to Corvallis dipped out at 9 pm, so I had to stay the night. I was so jacked up on sugar that I couldn’t sleep. I remember rocking back and forth on the tree swing outside thinking to myself how shitty this predicament was.
I tried sleeping on the sofa but it was full of dog hair so I ended up sleeping on the floor. The next morning, I woke up around 8 a.m. and couldn’t open my right eye. I stumbled into the bathroom and started rinsing my eye. The crust slowly turned into goop. It was horrible. I had conjunctivitis. It’s highly contagious. There was a rescue car coming to pick up the remaining survivors at 9 a.m. There was no way in hell I wasn’t getting in that car and going home. So I covered my face and pretended to sleep in the backseat.