College Stories: Bitchin’ at Bachelor ’17 (A Retro Ski Mountain Bonanza)

It was a cold night in Eugene, Oregon. My friend and I drove to the nearby liquor store in search of a few ingredients.

  1. Dole 100% pineapple juice
  2. Malibu rum
  3. Midori melon liqueur

Little did I know I was a few short hours from experiencing one of the most insane parties of my life.

The Facebook invitation read…

Join the boys of Theta Chi this Saturday as we take it back to a simpler time in a place where the sky’s always snowin’ and the beer’s always flowin’. Come dressed to impress in your most bitchin’ neon snow attire and we’ll make sure it’s a night to remember!

The party was happening at our live-out on 2043 Onyx St. formerly known as Medusa’s Lair. Why was it called that you ask? Simply put, there was a broom closet under the staircase where individuals could get stoned.

When I arrived at the live-out, the boys had just finished moving the pool table out of the living room and onto the front yard. Yes, we had a pool table in our living room and yes it was used as a spare bed.

I discreetly went downstairs to Matt’s bedroom and grabbed his Bluetooth speaker. I hauled that bad boy up into the kitchen and connected my phone. I set up a folding table in the kitchen as a make-shift bar. There I lined up 12 shot glasses. With a Mr. Penguin shaker and a tray of ice, I started making the first batch of Scooby Snacks.

People started to roll in around 10 o’clock. I was in the kitchen playing Kokomo by the Beach Boys pouring shots for Jonathan, Cole, Giuliana, and others. It was an instant hit! Everyone was crowding around my table trying to get their hands on a delicious Scooby Snack.

The party was growing at an exponential rate. Snapchat's were being sent to the dorms and freshmen were flocking to the house in large numbers. All of a sudden, there was no room to move inside the house. Our DJ was in the corner playing Caroline and Broccoli. Two songs that topped the charts on SoundCloud in 2017. Girls were crushed and started getting on top of furniture. It was so hot and muggy inside the house but no one gave a fuck because the song Gold Digger was playing.

Suddenly, the DJ turns off the music and starts yelling at everyone to get the fuck out. Ambulance sirens could be heard in the distance (hyperbole). There was only one way in and one way out — through the side garage door. We had blocked all other entrances and exits. With the help of other party-goers, we removed the couch that was blocking the front door. Kids started running out of the house. It was a mass exodus. A parade of students started walking back to campus. I had never seen anything like it.

I ventured near the garage to see what was happening and saw this guy having a seizure on the floor. Apparently, he had taken pills before entering the party. Luckily the kid lived all thanks to the cool-headedness of our VP of Health and Safety.

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